Keeping expectations realistic
Mr Darcy Dating Tips – Lust Versus Compatability
When looking for a date, it is important not to inadvertently minimise the pool of potential matches with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we may not even realise that we are. We might cling to one particular requirement eg. he must look like Bradley Cooper, or he must be more successful in business than I am. It could be that none of our expectations are particularly unrealistic, but more that we have so many relatively rational requirements that there is nobody in the world who could fit them all (aside from Bradley Cooper). Being too specific about what you would like from a partner leaves little room for anyone to fill the void. Added to that, until you have found Mr or Miss Right and are in a successful, these requirements are all hypothetical, they’re just what you think you might need.
Passion Can Be a Trickster
It is also important to look out for contradictions in what you think you’re looking for, otherwise you’re just setting yourself up to fail. If you want someone intriguing and mysterious, they probably can’t also be attentive and available. Passion can be a trickster and although it’s hard, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, you must try to separate chemistry and compatibility. You will need both for a long term relationship.
Lust does often fade and this has scientific reasoning behind it. A hardwired ‘love’ response evolved because it kept two people together long enough for their offspring to survive in hunter gatherer communities, where infants would have needed two parents to survive. Scientists estimate that the honeymoon period lasts around two years, so if you choose a relationship based purely on chemistry, you should understand that it will be short term and purely for passion.
Give Yourself a Happy MOT
Give yourself a ‘happy MOT’ before you start looking. The right person cannot fix your life or ‘complete’ you. They are not your ‘other half’. Spend some time making sure you are happy as you are. Then, when you meet someone, you won’t demand too much and you will be able to create a loving and balanced partnership.
Healthy expectations you can keep hold of are important. Despite all we’ve said above, don’t confuse unrealistic expectations with high expectations. Set some boundaries and have a clear idea with what you will not put up with and never compromise your core values for a relationship. To be able to do this, it is important to identify these values. Start with the tangibles: Whether you want children, what are you ideas on marriage, family life, male and female roles. Also look at your lifestyle, health and fitness habits, energy levels and interests. Then move to look at what kind of relationship would work for you, look at your attachment style, sex drive and how you respond to affection.
With all this information in hand, it is still important to stay open minded. Many people can be compatible with you without sharing all the same interests as long as you have the same major long term desires.
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